She's Been Waiting A Long Time

What a curious experience I had this week for my BIG painting adventure. Right from the start, I knew that the painting that was coming up next for me (we'll call it Her/She) wanted to be even bigger yet, and that it would take a few days for me to find in Her the message She wanted to share. So I went with 6'x3' paper, and I had an image in my mind to start... that changed the minute I laid my brush to the paper - and then several times in the making. Here's a little progress video:

In the middle of the night on Day 2, I got it. The message from Her. During my session on Day 2, I truly believe that I heard Her voice. Crazy, right? I know. But truly, it was as if a relationship had been built between me and this painting that was coming through me. Connie warned this might happen, and I thought I got it before. But I didn't totally get it - not until Day 2 of this one…and Her voice was different from the voice/guidance I have felt from my paintings before. It was quieter, less like words and more like an intimate deep whisper - steady, sure, there, easy to miss. I even did a bit of a double-take when I first felt Her voice, and She offered an affirmation of Her Presence. This is difficult to explain.

The bottom line of Her message to me is simple yet huge. Just as we have gremlins/demons/inner critics…whatever you call these parts of ourselves that thrive on holding us back and making us second guess - we also hold within ourselves the very spirits of their counterbalance, the reciprocal positive voices, you might say.

You see, I met my Wise Woman Self this week.

Now, I always knew She was there, I've even felt Her with me - but I HEARD Her this time. And I realized, with a deep sense of grief that transformed into relief, that I've been taking Her for granted - especially every time I offer my attention to the other inner voices and follow their inhibitory whisperings. I have not honored Her appropriately, fearful and judgmental of my own worth, goodness, talents, and efforts, not truly recognizing my own inherent and unique offering for this world as just perfect how it is - divine, sacred, powerful, immense, worthy of being shared and seen Truly. She has always seen me that way - and She has always been there telling me so, proud of me… but I didn't hear Her. Her voice is softer, more loving, calmer, patient, more comfortable in this skin, easier to ignore in the midst of loud shouts of doubt and worry. Instead, I heard where my attention wandered - and it wasn't in Her direction.

There is work to be done inside myself to shift my attention from patterns I've grown accustomed to, so that I may honor my Self and my Wise Woman with the gratitude and attention She deserves - but She doesn't really ask much outside of what we all hope for deep down. Only that which will make me Thrive and know Joy - only to live my life in openness of my Full, True Self, not withholding acceptance, not withholding my truth and creative expressions and my inclinations from the world or from the people I love, and most importantly, not from myself. She asks that I face my gremlins and resistance while still knowing the treasures all around and within me in every available moment; She asks that I listen to Her, meet Her gaze, and Trust Her beckoning to live with Courage - finally. If I don't get it right at first, that's OK - because She tells me to begin gently, simply by recognizing that She isn't going anywhere now that we've been properly acquainted. She is glad I am paying attention. She is infinite Love and bending Light. She is calm and wild, with the wisdom of the universe. She is in me and She is in you.

She is wise. She has been waiting a long time. She is glad to be seen. So am I. And I think She is as eager as I am to see where this all leads.

This is a musing based on Week 3 of my BIG Fearless Painting journey with Connie H. of Dirty Footprints Studio.