Hard to believe it's been a week since my last post already. It has been one full of 'duties' that don't fill my cup anymore, you might say, but also, thankfully - with stolen moments of many wonderful practices that do.
I'm getting better at claiming time and space for me. Not great, but better. You see, my priorites are shifting as I venture deeper into these practices (writing, yoga, painting, bonding). My values aren't changing as much as they are simply coming more to the forefront of my awareness… and the need to realign myself with those priorities and truths I hold is ever more apparent. (Below is a contour portrait i did this week for my Fearless painting journey - first time in a long time that I just looked at myself in a mirror without judgment, without fixing and sucking and tucking and prepping. I just looked with awe, as an artist and woman, at the form that holds me for now, and it felt good to feel joy in that observation.)
The past couple of weeks have been filled with some serious so-called A-HA moments for me - and that can bring with it a kind of rush or high. It feels amazing, empowering and so right! Your whole being sings YES YES YES! Like things will never be the same again.
But you know what? They are the same. Things and details and duties don't change just because we experience some level of personal epiphany. No, at best, in the beginning, the only thing that has changed is an inner knowing and the perspective from which we view our life and our Self. Change requires more than A-Ha moments and great ideas. It requests that we participate more than just viewing it all a little differently with our new pair of enlightened glasses from a fresh perch we've claimed. Change, and re-alignment with Self, must have action. I'm not talking about busying yourself with a gazilion things on your to-do list to force change. I'm talking about awareness of where you are, presence with your desire and intentional action. And that little realization, when we see that the epiphanies haven't altered our day to day, is often when we start to feel ourselves slipping back into the old patterns and ways of thinking, being and relating. Or we feel so overwhelmed, maybe even like giving up, or suddenly like the enLIGHTenment of it all has just blown a fuse. The sugar rush of "getting it" is crashing hard, and if you're like me, your body doesn't feel so great all of a sudden. Fatigue sets in. In fact, what I've been feeling this week is like a toxic sludge in my body, the very physical manifestation of years of being lost to my creative Self, years of not being in my own alignment and out of touch with my voice. It sits and festers right now in this knot…so dense in my throat…thick behind my eyes… heavy throughout my head. And, no, I'm not fighting a cold. That little Wise Woman of mine knows better this time. This is energy waiting to be cleared, channeled out by active intention and presence with Self, making room for the Change I crave to bloom fully inside myself and manifest in my best life possible.
It's just that, we so often want the Big A-Ha moments to be followed by ease and perfect lives and fairytale, magical transformations - like all the self-help books and e-courses and talk shows and cult leaders lead us to believe. But the truth is, A-Ha moments are mostly followed by the unsettling visitor of Ugh moments - the space when we realize that now, with A-Ha behind and no going back, and with transformation ahead of us, right here inbetween, we have to take action and do some serious housecleaning. We have to make room for the change. We have to do a little work, voice our needs, nudge the shift, and nurture ourselves along the way. We can help nourish the changes we know to be coming, gently, or we can wait for the day when we wonder why we didn't muster up the courage to look the unknown in the face, to embrace our potential, to participate in our own Life unfolding.
Now, it IS work, and it IS good work, but it doesn't have to be as hard as it sounds. Be gentle with yourself. Step a little closer in, take lots of deep breaths, and simplify the big picture into little parts, smaller steps, that feel more manageable, and then pick one a day, or one a week, whatever works for you. Trust in your A-Ha, listen to the Ugh signals from your body begging to be released, and surrender to your own inner knowing. Life is short and your time is now.