Where I AM :: The Painting Knows

Ajna. (detail)

Seeking some quiet and space is not always easy in the day to day. 
I am craving this now. 
I feel a surge inside me, a magnetic pull closer to my self and higher good. 
While trying to whittle away tasks and obligations that are not in alignment with my intuitive compass, I often feel those old weights of overwhelm, worry and...
sometimes even a hopelessness at the seeming impossibility of carving a life that is a reflection of my core, of knowing how to fully realize what I have to offer the world around me with this smorgasbord of innate knowing, accumulated experiences, deep inclinations and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants tendencies. 
I am a fledgling here. 
I don't quite know how to manifest forth this seed in me, 
but I remain committed to doing so through awareness and little daily steps at a time. 

Ajna. (detail)

Part of my path in making space for this calling to reveal itself more fully is in attempting to make movement and body awareness a regular practice - including more contemplation on the energy of my body and how my mental, emotional and intuitive blocks translate into physical experience. 
They are signals to listen to - 
guides of places to bring fuller attention to for greater realization. 
The science of energy will remain a debate until science catches up, but for me, I have known at my core, since I was a little girl, of the power of our interconnected energies with each other and the universe.
I just never actively studied it, and the art of living in touch with it seems to have faded somewhere in the halls between childhood and adult.  
Now, though a study-bug my whole life, I am trying to study minimally and live more fully those things that stimulate my deepest interests... 
like the possibility and potential of chakra energies within our body and essence. 
I'm not opening books on this topic unless something in my experience
waves a flag that says "hey, this one's for you." 

Ajna. (detail)

On Friday, I painted. 
And my painting waved her flag 
once my busy mind hushed and stopped trying to find more answers to my next steps, my big plan, where I'm going. 
Up until she gave me her word, she was a mish-mesh of scribbles, color and black smears, green hair, giraffe spots with no seeming direction but randomness. 
And then she whispered
"white hair now, with blue, you see" 
and "circle here". 
That circle stopped me in my tracks.
I had to sit down. 
My mind was so perfectly hushed.
I know it sounds absurd, but to live that wave of knowing - a message just for you - as you do something so seemingly arbitrary as smear color around on a paper, is HUGE. 
Chills and goosebumps and tear-welling waves of relief and love fill the space inside. 
That little yellow circle on her head 
was a third eye, the sixth chakra. Intuition. 
Connection of consciousness. Connection of past and present into the future. 
The beginning and end of all things. The merging of all selves.
I now know it is also Ajna, in sanskrit. 

You see, my painting isn't telling me to paint a circle 
or give her crazy shapes on her face and fantasy colors 
- though that is often how I hear it the first time. 
She is telling me to listen, pay attention, trust my own intuition 
- to look inside, not without - for that which I seek.
In her presence - in the presence of painting -
I am like a child at the knee of my ancient grandmother, 
quietly taking in ages and ages of wisdom, song and story, 
observing the nuances, quarks and grace of another being 
- because that wisdom and connection is the very key to unlocking my highest Self as I grow. 

Ajna. mixed media. approx 4 foot x 3 foot.

Funny - the cycle of revelation in the details of our lives. 
The old question arises... 
is it life imitating art or art imitating life...? 
Well, it is both, all ways - it is a cycle. 
As I move into the dark with the desire to listen more fully, to trust my intuition, 
I still flail around like a control freak half the time -
trying to guide each step to make it all happen now, 
still making decisions that are often counter-intuitive to my inner compass - 
trying to get the answer when I ask the question - whether I'm ready or not. 
And sometimes the answer is something I've known all along. 
I started painting the other night with a specific question in mind, 
and I finished the painting over the weekend with the answer. 
Not to the question I asked, but to the question I need. 
Her reply: you are doing just fine. 
Keep trusting your Self, make space and paint. 
The rest will come.