I Have This Energy

energy sketch. marker and oil pastel.

 
I have this energy.
It fills me and moves in me
tingling tickling teasing taunting me
making me buzz, alive
with conscious vibration
and deep desire.
It's indescribable, but I try.

I can't quite harness it.
I don't know that I want to, to tell you the truth.
I've spent a long time trying to pull it in, calm it down,
hush it up, organize it, make rational sense of it,
make it a little more 'presentable' to the world.
But that only made me frustrated, detached,
riding idle and numb
and aching in a deep way.

So I've let it out, inside
and I'm letting it do its thing
even if I seem a little crazy at times,
a little all-over-the-place
a little not-so-together.
I'm letting it flow, jump, twist,
lead me along without knowing the steps,
but moving my hips,
whether my rhythm is perfect or not.

I trip a little sometimes, but
it feels amazing, this dance.
It feels right again
and a little crazy
and all-over-the-place
with a melody you might not predict.
There is a rhythm to be felt
in this seeming chaos,
and I'm just starting to see
its perfectly imperfect perfection,
even when it gets messy.

I always wanted to be understood in this, but
it's an energy no one else can know
except deep inside themselves;
a vibrating flow of trust
inspiration
and self-curiosity.

So I'm just choosing to show up,
witness and listen,
enjoy my Self
and get out of the way.

Because
I have this energy.

Or maybe it has me.

-h