I sat down a couple of hours ago and started a post.
I've been fussing with the story in it since - one from my childhood and how I relate to others. The feeling I have around the idea is great, and I know it would touch some people, but something about how it was coming out... it just didn't feel right yet.
I caught myself trying to package it, bundle it, edit it, bring it all to some beautifully written conclusion, with poetic cohesion and witty a-ha's and all that jazz that might keep someone reading through right on down to the comments, where they might even let me know they stopped by.
And so I checked in... What is my motivation here, in writing this? Am I seeking a response - why? Am I concerned with how others will take this, or mis-take this? Does this feel natural to share right now?
My ego got jarbled and confused with my original intention and the pressure of wanting to write a decent post to share.
This happens in art a lot, too. Post = product, in this little scenario, and making art for the product is one surefire creative buzz kill in my experience...
Uck. So, it isn't doing it for me today. It isn't working. There's no juice here. Or my mind is too busy to let me listen to the juice well. Or I just want to get off the computer and pick up a pen and have at it that way... (hmmmm...).
This feeling I have about it all is one I've been experiencing a lot lately, as I'm doing a lot of inner Soulwork and re-patterning what I put out into the world energetically. I've been noticing more and responding to myself more attentively.
I've been checking in and re-setting a lot, mainly because how I serve myself and others, along with my commitment to connecting to Creative Source, is of the utmost priority to me. As is my own growth.
But you know what, maybe I'm questioning it all a little too much. Maybe there's a little more room for the seemingly contradictory viewpoints and unanswered questions and, yes, even the ego - than what much of the self-awareness, spiritual and creative jargon and advice out there suggests.
I don't want forced fuss and polished, heady presentation, followed up by some presumptive impression that I think I have something to offer you that you aren't privy to within yourself. Because I don't. We are here to honor and help each other. And how can we really do that if we edit everything we share down to a precise, mostly un-messy telling in the name of growth and a facade of personal progress? Honestly, this isn't about progress - and it's all too easy to lose sight of that. Progress implies destination and product and judgment of one place over another. And that is all illusion anyhow. We are where we are. In the Process of being who we are.
I just want to keep it real... and in questioning the way I was telling my story, in editing and changing it up, I wasn't being real and easy about the process I'm in with it right now. It certainly wasn't feeling like we were sitting across from one another over coffee, like I want it to. Maybe it's just not ready to be shared.
So instead of fussing longer over it and feeling more...ugh... I've decided to let it go, bite my lip and post the truth about my process today. This.
A little confusion, stepping back and busy-mindedness brought to you by Hali Karla Studios - a truth that says, loud and clear,
"Get Quiet Again. Find Your Stillness. Listen, deeper. Move Color Around until you feel the Energy moving again. Then, Follow the Juice."
In Honest Reflection,