Not feeling the Play but Feeling the Practice
I have to confess that I was not feeling very playful about my Fearless painting process during this past week.... I had an idea of a crazy fun piece I wanted to start and let lead me, but I had ZERO momentum for starting it.
Things were feeling too icky and off-center in our day-to-day and my mind and worries were taking over. And it's a challenge for me to let go and just play on a good day, let alone on a shitty one. I have to work at letting myself play, if that makes sense. It's still easy for me to tense up at the first sign of danger, change or fear and kick back into serious mode if I'm not careful.
That little girl in me is a fragile being, and I'm working with her gently all the time - but last week, she pretty much just hid way deep down for a few days.... So getting the playful side to flow was just not happening from the start.
Nine months ago, I would have used the unexpected change in our circumstances as an excuse to not participate in the workshop or any creative expression.
The day before we got thrown our little curve ball, though, I had done a painting Just For Me, holding in my heart and intention a little workshop that I feel called to birth into the world over the course of the next year. I approached it from a quiet place inside myself and I was really pleased with what came out of it.
It left me wanting a little more, and that was just enough...
So, even though I didn't want to play, I really wanted to paint. And after a day or two of beating myself up about using the time to paint instead of work, I let myself start a painting in the studio. I wanted to explore starting with black line again, and the use of unsymmetrical symmetry that comes forth in me, with the desire to feel my own energetic/creative potential in my body.
I wanted to get back into my Body first (and out of my head), then into the Painting, with the hopes of landing back at destination 'Inspired Play'. I wanted to stop thinking about details I can't change and work on what really matters - cultivation of being the best me I can be in this life - and enjoying it along the way.
So I put on some rhythmic tunes (which always help me come back into my cells) and I just painted without worrying about the specific invitation for the workshop. I just let go and came to my practice.
And you know what? I Freaking Love It!!!!
So here's a video of my process for this one:
Journal entry after finishing this piece, 11-5-11:
What an emanation painting is for me. One crazy busy layer after another into some eventual sense of 'YES'... and then I know she's said her piece, what she came to say through me. To me. I don't always get it, and I don't know how I know when it's done, but I do... or, better said, I don't know how I get to done, but I know this feeling of Fullness... like relief... like relaxation, calm... like perfect peace with it (whether I like it or not)... peace with its color line busyness flaws beauties nuances... peace with moving from it, but without the urgency to leave it behind (like when you're stuck in a piece and ready to scrap it).... Just the feeling that it's full of a sort of goodness in its truth, in its existence, where she/it is, how she/it is, perfectly imperfect... and that what's next will be even richer and better because of the time we shared.